So, first ride was the Road King.
It was at this point Ian decided that he was going to make me rue the day I took my test on a 125 (well, go on, start rueing!!). He pointed out that had I not done so, I could now be riding the Harley of my choice. He has continued to point that out, much to his amusement and not mine, for the month since. Ha, ha Ian. Anyway. next ride was on a Fat Boy.
I was commenting on the unfairness of seat size and comfort for the rider and pillion, when Ian asked if we should swap places. Er no.
Decided at the end of the ride that I should shock my mother and tell her that contrary to what I said in the past, now I'd like to bring home a Fat Boy.
The sun actually made an appearance that day, so I did the English abroad trick and rolled up my jeans. Legs still disappointingly string like at the end of the summer. HJs and wanderings into Aviemore for the rest of the day. Head not big enough for the woolly hat I got. Will have to acquire more brains or more hair.
Holy Joes very quiet that evening. That gave us time to perfect the new sport I had invented... Tea Bag Flinging.
Very sad packing up and even sadder leaving on Monday. Wish I could stop myself blubbing at nothing. Silly girl.
The drive home was seeming ok, bad singing and James Bond story tapes keeping me going. The price of services diesel was not so amusing. Had done 400 miles, 30 to go. Was pootling along the A50 when all of a sudden the car in front slams on the brakes. He had not seen a broken down car in our lane. This was the point that I discovered that vans go sideways when you have to slam on the brakes in the wet. Too many times in my life I have had that slow motion thing, during which you wonder when the impact will come. Well, I didn't hit the car, and no lorries hit me, but I don't recommend doing skateboard grinds in a van. Kind of hard to get home when your front wheels are stuck 3 feet in the air. Very grateful to Bex for coming to collect me. Not grateful to the policeman who said 'didn't you see my cones?'. No mate I didn't. Kind of hard to see objects through a car. It being dark and rainy and your cones being tiny and pathetically reflective, the guy in front obviously didn't see your cones, and it's kind of hard to calmly check for traffic and change lanes when you are going sideways up a ramp. Managed to not say any of that. Also kept mouth shut after doing the breathalyser. Was going to ask if it detected Haribo, as I had possibly overdosed on them! Policeman did become a bit more understanding later, and then admitted that he thought he was going to get wiped out earlier, when he had been there in his car with its flashing lights, before he had to leave the scene to go collect the dumbass who had been walking away from his broken car up the A50. Apparently a lorry had gone sideways too, but had managed to save it, unlike me.
Anyway, talk of poor Bumble upsets me, so I'll end with the article that I sent off to Pillinger to put in Chainlink (the CMA magazine)
.........................................................................
The CMA guide to Scottish Harley
Rallies:
In order to survive a Holy Joes up
there so far north there is nearly no more north to go you will need
to be aware of the following:
1 - Amy/Pillinger has amazing powers of
persuasion. You need to be harder to crack than “there will be a
ride out through the glens with a few thousand Harleys”, which in
my case resulted in the response “ok get me a pillinge (pillion
ride) on a Harley and I'll come”. The upside of this is that you
will learn the best sound in the world is not, as you previously
thought, the sound of a Harley Davidson, it is in fact, the sound of
hundreds of Harleys.
2 - Scottish midges attack in seconds,
and that black dots really hurt when they bite you. Also useful is
the knowledge that pipe smoke is a fairly good midge repellent and a
hat essential.
3 - Getting into the camping field is
like the Krypton Factor. After running for miles looking for a gap in
the fence, a big white tent and friendly Celts are welcome sights.
4 - An HD mug for a hot water bottle is
a good swap. I guess it depends on ambient temperature and level of
obsession as to which side of that swap you want to be on.
5 - HOG boys pretend to be really hard,
but actually they really want a deluxe hot chocolate too. They are
also too scared to admit they have a hot water bottle so they bring
their kettle to be filled instead. It could be thought that HOG
members are a different breed to other rally attendees. Some CMAers
think they are posh! They are probably just normal. As a result it's
quite dull compared to the other rallies, at which you can have a
multi-coloured mohican and a painted on pirate face and no-one bats
an eyelid.
6 – If, like me, you don't have an
industrial strength bottom that can survive 10+ hours on a bike, then
you will need to know about the art of Pillinging (getting rides).
Firstly, remember that phones run out of juice after 3 days camping,
so frantically calling the guy you met at the Border who promised you
a ride on his Harley is pointless. This can turn out to be a good
thing, and you can instead get a ride on something comfy, in which
case you will learn that pillions don't need to hold tight, you can
hang off all over the place to take photos, and wave like you are the
Queen, and get high fives. If this happens, you must later remember
that actually, on the back of a Fat Boy, you do need to hang on. This
last point followed on from Ian learning that “would you like a
ride on a Harley” is a silly question. This was a tragic
consequence of my own realisation that doing my bike test on a 125
was, on reflection, not a good idea. There are no restricted Harleys
in the European demo fleet.
7 - Deluxe hot chocolate simply cannot
be made properly without a wooden 'whippy stick'.. and as for not
having any flakes... ! The proper manufacture of hot chocolate can,
in fact, cause more division amongst Christians than any theological
issue. It's milk first. End of.
8 – There can be quiet moments when
working in Holy Joes. You will need to keep the team occupied. I have
spent hours developing the new extreme sport of Tea Bag Flinging.
Rules are simple; stand at a suitable distance, put tea bag on tea
spoon, aim at bin bag, fling. Note: this game can be more amusing if
the penultimate instruction is not followed strictly. Video evidence
available on YouTube can attest to this.
9 – Being in a different country you
will need to learn the language. It is, in many ways, quite similar
to English, but you will soon notice that the word “wee” features
in every sentence uttered by a Scot. You will be copying this within
a day, and stuck with it for at least a week. Learning a simple
phrase can help to endear you with the locals. Try out “I dinnae
ken if there's a moose loose in ma wee breeks”. (NB author holds no
responsibility for anything that results from using this phrase)
10 – Finally, when all your hard work
is done and you are returning home with many itchy bite lumps, a
couple of half price yet still expensive HD t shirts, a large sleep
deficit and a saddened heart at leaving new friends, do make sure
that you remember for the whole of the journey home (particularly the
last 30 miles) that vans go sideways when you are forced to brake
suddenly in the wet, and skateboarding tricks should not be attempted
in campervans.
Just found these, these last photos of Bumble, all happy in the sun at TITG...
No comments:
Post a Comment